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Grief Realizing you've lost a perfectly evolved healthy normal body part (or even a diseased one) can hit you pretty hard. We're here to help.

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  #1  
Old March 4th, 2012
intactosaurus's Avatar
intactosaurus intactosaurus is offline
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Default depressed about husband's circumcision

I recently found out about a week ago that about 80% of american men are circumcised. I had always thought only jewish men were, and that whatever was taken away wasn't that big of a deal. I had always thought that all the penises that I've seen in porn and in real life with past boyfriends and even my husband's were intact. I had been brainwashed. I am a 19 yr old female, almost twenty. And it took this long to even know what was really going on in this country
The more research I've done on the subject has just fed my anger, guilt, and frustration. I feel like I can do so little. My husband is my best friend and the most beautiful person I know. And to find out his parents did this to him for no reason at all pains me so much. I guess it maybe doesn't make sense to some people why I'd care so much, and I feel like such a coward for being the one who has to be comforted by him. I feel bad that I was the one who had to tell him that he was circumcised. He didn't even know. I'm worried that my telling him what was done and the consequences of the procedure have hurt him in a way I'll never be able to take back. I feel like something has been taken away from both of us, by doctors who only give a shit about their paychecks. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this either. My mom never circumcised my two brothers, so I've talked to her a bit, but I think she has gotten tired of my rants.

It just hurts so much to find out that your husband's ignorant parents paid a doctor to cut off the most sensitive part of his penis so that they could later sell it for thousands to possibly be made into some wrinkle cream for some fucking stranger

It also makes me mad that in the discussion in my psychology class at university which brought up all this, not a single fucking person brought up the real cons of the procedure. They were all saying that it's cleaner and all these other things which have already been discredited.

My husband will be deploying for six months in a few weeks, and we've only been living together for about eight. Finding all of this out has added to an already stressful situation. I brought up the topic of restoration to him and it's something he's been looking into doing. I don't want him to just do it though because I want him to. I'm just worried that if he doesn't he's going to have problems later on in life I just don't want him to suffer.
I'm sorry this is a bit of a rant, I just have so much I want to say and get out.

I sent a Really long angry text to his mom. I don't care though, she had never been a good parent to him, and finding out she did this to him just reinforces my belief she's a terrible parent. My husband plans on talking to her about this, but probably not for awhile.

I feel so sad that I live in a world where people would do this to another human being...

I've lost a lot of faith in doctors here, and plan on having a homebirth for all of my children like my mother did.
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  #2  
Old March 4th, 2012
admin admin is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Thanks for sharing your story.

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Originally Posted by intactosaurus View Post
I sent a Really long angry text to his mom.
I hope you both can eventually have good relationships with both your extended families. I think an error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to own up to it. Give the mom some time and a chance to digest the fact that she carelessly harmed you and her son. Whether or not she concludes the same thing from the evidence about circumcision that you have, she must admit that you have lost something you valued.

My own dad is intact and he let me be cut. He knows I resent it and he'll still say parents have to do their best and make some decisions for their kids with the best intel they have at times. I can give him that because he also now works with me on intactivist causes (for example, he has driven our float for the last 4 years in the Chicago Pride Parade to help us hand out no-circ literature).

My niece cut her son despite my begging while she was pregnant and in the maternity ward, but now she is a nurse who talks intactivism with pregnant patients every chance she gets.

Your mother-in-law may come around in due time.
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  #3  
Old March 4th, 2012
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peterpink peterpink is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Your husband is very lucky to have such an understanding wife. Circumcision is one of America's dirty secrets. Other English speaking countries have more or less abandoned it. Be supportive to your husband. Chances are he will not notice that he is missing much sensitivity until he is about forty. He is already missing sensitivity, but he has never known anything else. There is plenty of evidence that restoration is well worthwhile, but it takes time and determination. I started restoring at age 60 and after four years have more skin and more sensitivity than I had when I was a teenager. I can remember sensitivity being annoying because of the exposed glans when I was about six, but after constant abrasion from clothing that disappeared. Intercourse never seemed satisfying and it is only in the last year that I have for the first time in my life experienced full body orgasms.

Be supportive to your husband, as I know you will be. If he goes through the grieving process, all you have to do is listen. (The process is similar to losing a loved one - a book on grief will help.) Remember that men need thinking time. You are the best person to help him through this if it becomes a big issue for him. Do not blame yourself for enlightening him about circumcision. You are both victims of a circumcised, greedy and ignorant USA medical profession.
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  #4  
Old March 5th, 2012
Moralogous Moralogous is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

I went through what you are feeling about 7 years ago when I learned about circumcision, too. It sucks. There's no way around it, and you cannot make him restore - I tried, and offended my husband years ago. We are in a different place now and it is not a source of tension between us.

What happened in our lives was that I used my anger to learn about it so I could change people's minds. I write about it, talk about it, post on FB about it, everything. Because of this, my MIL changed her mind, apologized to all her sons, and asked them not to circumcise their children. Cousins and other relations have not circumcised their children. I know I have saved hundreds of babies personally. That is great.

As for your husband, mine had no sexual problems when we first started. He now complains that he is losing sensation. I feel bad for him - now that we are in our 30s, sex is amazingly wonderful for me, and I can tell that it is not as wonderful for him. Perhaps he will choose to restore.

Good luck to you.
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Visit my intactivist blog at www.moralogous.com. I'm preparing to write real accounts of harm - I'd love to hear yours. Email me.
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  #5  
Old April 10th, 2012
IAmJacksSmirkingRevenge IAmJacksSmirkingRevenge is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Thanks for your post, intactosaurus. Your husband is lucky to have someone who understands and cares as much as you do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by intactosaurus
I'm worried that my telling him what was done and the consequences of the procedure have hurt him in a way I'll never be able to take back
Don't reproach yourself over this. The doctors and parents did the harm, not you. Ignorance may be bliss, but it's generally not a desirable state to remain in forever, IMO.
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  #6  
Old April 29th, 2012
Appalled Observer Appalled Observer is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Hello--this is my first post. I stumbled upon this forum completely by accident, googling for something. Didn't know it (or anything like it) existed.
I have to say, I'm greatly pleased that people who have been abused in this disgusting way have some kind of recourse, and a place to talk about it.

The first line of this thread...that 80% of American men are sexually mutilated in this way is mindblowing. I had no idea it was that high. [I'd love to be able to suggest why that might be, but there are mechanisms in the US that Americans are subjected to daily, that would make readers be more inclined to vilify me, for mentioning it, than the culprits.]

The thread starter mentioned that her husband didn't even know he'd had it done to him!?? Uhhhh, I can't get my head around that. OMG. What a mess that country seems to be in emotionally, no wonder they're forever preaching Peace while attacking everywhere.

Sorry if I'm a bit rambly, it's late, and my head's done in a bit. I'll be back.
Parting shot--anyone who has had this done, before they could speak to refuse, has my deepest sympathy.

BTW--as hopefully every member of this forum knows, there is a sound reason for the presence of a foreskin on a mammal...my next visit I'm going to check around the board to see just how widespread that message is. This bullsh** about "it serves no purpose" and "it's cleaner without" has got to STOP!!
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  #7  
Old April 29th, 2012
Jamie Jamie is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Thankyou Appalled Observer. It's quite a blow to one's sanity when one's eyes are finally opened to this. It shines a new angle on child abuse that resembles something out of a horror movie. This happens while kids and teenagers are being criminalised for things like "sexting", yet this sex torture carries on as respectable and good. I wish I was born in another time, because this civilisation is in a right mess.
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  #8  
Old April 30th, 2012
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intactosaurus intactosaurus is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Quote:
Originally Posted by Appalled Observer View Post
Hello--this is my first post. I stumbled upon this forum completely by accident, googling for something. Didn't know it (or anything like it) existed.
I have to say, I'm greatly pleased that people who have been abused in this disgusting way have some kind of recourse, and a place to talk about it.

The first line of this thread...that 80% of American men are sexually mutilated in this way is mindblowing. I had no idea it was that high. [I'd love to be able to suggest why that might be, but there are mechanisms in the US that Americans are subjected to daily, that would make readers be more inclined to vilify me, for mentioning it, than the culprits.]

The thread starter mentioned that her husband didn't even know he'd had it done to him!?? Uhhhh, I can't get my head around that. OMG. What a mess that country seems to be in emotionally, no wonder they're forever preaching Peace while attacking everywhere.

Sorry if I'm a bit rambly, it's late, and my head's done in a bit. I'll be back.
Parting shot--anyone who has had this done, before they could speak to refuse, has my deepest sympathy.

BTW--as hopefully every member of this forum knows, there is a sound reason for the presence of a foreskin on a mammal...my next visit I'm going to check around the board to see just how widespread that message is. This bullsh** about "it serves no purpose" and "it's cleaner without" has got to STOP!!
Yes, it is mindblowing, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the whole thing. The rate is under 50% (for newborns) now in America, but was well over 80% for my husband's generation. Of course it depends on which state you live in, some states are 30%, some over 70%.
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  #9  
Old April 30th, 2012
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intactosaurus intactosaurus is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamie View Post
Thankyou Appalled Observer. It's quite a blow to one's sanity when one's eyes are finally opened to this. It shines a new angle on child abuse that resembles something out of a horror movie. This happens while kids and teenagers are being criminalised for things like "sexting", yet this sex torture carries on as respectable and good. I wish I was born in another time, because this civilisation is in a right mess.
I completely agree. It kinda reminds me if I were to one day wake up and realize that one on my lungs was surgically removed, or something inside of me that I were to have no idea was gone, but something removed for no reason and that I would need. But for my husband it's even worse cause that part of him that was removed that he didn't even know about was the most private part of him. I don't know if that's a very good way to explain it or if I worded it right. But definitely something out of a horror film.

It's like that one movie with the kids who are raised just to donate their vital organs and then die at an early age, except at least they were aware of it and could have tried to escape, and at least it wasn't their parents subjecting them to it (they were clones I think). It's just something you watch as a movie and think oh how terrible, but then realize it's actually being done in the real world, but with male genitals.

I have a lot of anger about this, especially towards my husband's parents, who actually knew all about how unnecessary it was yet still subjected him to it. The fact that he didn't even know something was taken away from him until recently breaks my heart.
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  #10  
Old April 30th, 2012
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intactosaurus intactosaurus is offline
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Default Re: depressed about husband's circumcision

I also read this one case of circumcision and the doctor stimulated the penis to force an erection to make the circumcision easier. I don't know how common that is, but sounds like sexual assault to me.

Why parents would do that?? I have no idea. Just sick. Very sick.
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